I've been reading Shantaram, and I think I have come to the end of one phase in the book. He's just reached a place from where I think he will now transform even further and deeper. However, so I would like to quote at this point two of the most influential things he says in the book so far... He says, "Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that's all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that's all we have - to hold on tight until dawn." Chapter 16, Part 2. He says, "I smoked in those days because, like everyone else in the world who smokes, I wanted to die at least as much as I wanted to live." Chapter 18. Part 3.

Priorities, strategies, outcomes. The three words that have haunted me the most this year. Trying to figure out the strategies in keeping with my priorities for the outcomes I've always wanted from myself. Performance and potential. Competency versus compatibility. Fitting in. Fighting it out. Some things changed. Most things evolved. I changed and evolved. Learning, growing, planning, implementing, mentoring, understanding, bearing. Its all a part of the game I played all year long which is about to come to an end. I know that this seems like the end but it isn't actually it. Confusion about who to be with and what to do, decision about who to be with and what to do, wanting space and not getting it, wanting results and not achieving it, who to blame and who to appreciate, leaving it upto, giving it up, taking things on, targets and mindsets. This article may be extremely random for anyone reading it, but its okay. There will be better times.

Hmm.. Its finally that point of time in my life when I need to start thinking about what to do next, in life, in my career, in my academics etc. This is probably the time of my life that I have been preparing for since I joined grade school or secondary school as we call it in Hamara Bharat. Tenth standard exams were one milestone, twelfth standard the second, and finally Graduation exams are the last and final milestone. However, being here, TWO months away from appearing for my VIVAs and practical examinations for the biggest exam of my life I will have ever attended (okay, maybe its overhyped but still), and it still doesn't feel great or exciting.. Because I don't have a plan to any where from here. Since I joined graduation college, or degree college, I knew where I was headed and that was to this year of college. I really wanted to be here and studying the things I am currently supposed to be studying. The first three months were a whizz, and were great! I had the best time of my life, with the best department cultures I have ever come across in K.C, with classmates who sometimes understood, sometimes disregarded, sometimes were indifferent but never Rejected me. I've spent some of my greatest moments in AIESEC in this year and it is all satisfying and up to the mark. What I haven't done is planned m life concretely for the next 5 years. What I haven't done is meet counsellors, what I haven't done is lived up to a lot of people's personal expectations of me. A lot of times we say that other people's opinions and expectations and identification doesn't matter to us or that it sholdn't but I know that to me the people who I live with are the most important people in my life.. I feel they think I could have done better.. as a student actually as a professionally occupied student. Maybe this assumption is totally wrong and baseless but I'd rather trust my instinct on such things. Anyway, there are always times you think back and reflect on the things that you wanted to do and haven't done but how often do we look at our achievements for fear of crediting ourselves too much? Hardly ever. So, a lot of this months has been devoted to wrapping the year up for me interms of AIESEC and college wise as wel, finishing and submitting journals, university projects, presentations etc. and somewhere symbolically it signals the end of this fantastic year that was spent really really fast, I think. As much time as I take in typing these posts, I wish I had that much more a thousamd times over at least, to spend with my teachers and friends in this college and colleagues in AIESEC. I think that after this I am going to miss this life of activity, defined goals, timelines, meetings, appointments, more meetings, e-mailing correspondence letters, a few more meetings, randomness, chilling, schedule and of course 'discipline' that a school instills and then a college distilled in me. But all in all, it was a year well spent. I wouldn't have wanted anything else in exchange for these three years of degree college. I wouldn't have traded places with anyone. I wouldn't be as happy as I am today if I hadn't made the choices I made two years ago, almost three now.

Found myself in front of the i mac just a while ago and it reminded me of my much ignored blog. So I decided to write for the sake of writing today. And that gives me an interesting topic to write about today. Doing things for the sake of doing it. A lot of people do a lot of useless things just for the fun of it, or just because they should be doing it, or just because it is said to be done by someone somewhere who's not involved. People will blog for the sake of it (like me), debate and argue for long hours for the sake of it, people will fight most often for the sake of it, to have the last word for the sake of it, will talk for the sake of it - utter nonsense at that and do a lot of things that need not have happened.

You would think what an utter hypocrite I would be to write for the sake of writing, admit it and then accuse other people for doing the exact same thing. Honesty doesn't serve as an excuse I know but yea, it gives me pleasure to write and this seems to be a nice topic to share here. Also as always when I started writing, I had no purpose but by the end of the first paragraph it has developed.

The maximum you see people fighting for the sake of fighting is on a Mumbai local! Its not even funny how women can get into quarrels for almost anything. A slight nudge can be a grave offense in a train mind you! A woman sitting on a seat first, before another can be another! Then the world suddenly stops and like a matrix movie the cameras zoom in on only the two characters which suddenly muster up all the courage they have, with angry eyes ready to pop out of their respective sockets and a saaree palla being tucked into the waist with one hand and a bag being slipped back on the shoulder with the other. Their extra hand luggage strewn aside so that a full swing of hands (for finger pointing) at each other may be allowed. And then the verbal war of terrorism begins. An extremely justified logical explanation with a systematic brief about what exactly chanced between (L)ady1 who was sitting on the seat originally; who got up to get off at the station AND (L)ady2 who had"booked" her seat after L1 vacating it, TO (L)ady3 who sat on the fourth seat (a mere crack of a seat area on a bench suited to seat only THREE originally) and expecting L3 to actually get up with owed apology at committing the grave sin of placing herself on a non-existent seat, by the way. The response to this is equally entertaining. L3 will then retaliate saying that it is not her problem if she caught the seat before L2 did. And that L1 before getting up did not clarify that the seat was "booked" by L2. So the FAULT in this was none of theirs but that of L1! Can you believe that? To which another chain of argument follows. And the ladies get damn frustrated and want to slap each other. Their husbands who will sadly be waiting at home for a square meal for the day will probably get some burnt rotis and a watery daal for dinner today. However, the station arrives and some other seats vacate, incidentally the one next to the 'fighter' L3 is the one that our L2 gets to sit on. The anger and frustration and pent up feelings of disgust get encapsulated in a strong hard stare that L2 gives to L3 and in a while all the ladies of the train start to come in to vision slowly. The normalcy in that compartment has resumed. Ladies continue to hustle bustle about in the routine manner, pushing pulling and compromising effectively as usual.

So yes, that was my interesting event for the day. Hope that some good replies will follow this post too.

Till then,
Cheerios!

A few quotations that I managed to retriee from the numerous mals that I have written at different times with different contexts but its just food for thought to mull over now... its interesting and now that I look back at it is a good colection of philosophy...


"limitations make you greedy, consequences make you hard and human..."


"Tears are tasteless. Its the taste of the world on your skin that adds the pinch of salt."


"Every relationship requires a little taking care and pampering. All one needs is to give it some time and protect it from drying out. If one cant be mature enough to accept the fact that we need to live it and not see it pass by then one needs to take a break and see if this is really what they want from each other. "


"Its tough to compose an email when you're not sure what exactly it is that you want to say. But its tougher to live.. When you want to be believed in. When you want acceptance and not denial. When all you really want is a good night's sleep. When you want to wake up and feel great. When the beach is fifteen minutes away and you have to go there alone. When you are not sure whether you're rocking in a ship in high tide or you're sinking unevenly. "


"I've accepted and executed a new lesson today. Its very simple and I really like it. Ego saving device and all. It is: Be the Bigger person and Forgive. Its easier to smile than cry. Less strain, tension, headache, backache, pressure and muscle usage. "


"I've lived a few years of my life trying to escape the bounds that encroach me, or so I thought. My basic identity comes from those roots. At the moment I'm floating between two planes, one where I see a whole world of people moving into who know who they are and what they want out of that sphere, and the other where I see unexplored possibilities and people which is risky yet exciting. I'm at a threshold where I don't know which way to go so I'm treading the safest path, the middle path. "


"Do you know something, its not my need for definition that is so unnerving to you, its your sense of feeling trapped by definition and boundaries that you are trying to guard. But definition is nothing but a few desires and dreams put together in a framework of words that collectively give meaning to it. Think about it. "


" As I was walking home today, these thoughts passed my mind that it really hurts when some people change, but when some others do it doesn't really change the little world that you live in.

'Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today... '

Then I thought that why is it that those few people matter so much? Is it just human attachment to other species of the kind, which is temporary and flaky, which vanishes with time as the people stop frequenting your life?

Or is it that we are greedy for the good times they spent with us? The value that we see them adding to our miniscule existence? The love they spread in our self. The smiles they bring to our faces? The memories they create with us? The places we see with them? The feeling of living a quality life which comes when we are with them?

Maybe its just that we're so indisciplined that when we order our brain to forget or remember something it only retains half of what we've said. Its not used to doing things in an orderly fashion, there's too much randomness-lease that was given and to take it all away at once is harsh. People say that those that really love you will never really leave you. From wherever they are they will always be there for you in the most imoprtant way. I dont know how true that is, especially since the bonds that tie are the bonds that choke... if not treated kindly. "


Hmmm thats about it... Let me know if you have anything to say about this.

Hello, Once again, the world of "spaces" draws my attention, when I have all the reason to be doing something more productive and creative but I choose to invest my time in doing this. Blogging is orobably my least excercised passion but one of the most rewarding for sure. A lot hashappenned since I last ebtered anything here. Again, the same ols excuses and dilemmas and activity periods shotting up. It is difficult to maintan the continuity but its fun when you've found the addiction to do it! The best is when you spell out thoughts that you never knew existed inside you. However, I used to write as a release, to question things around me and to drive away the tiredess and refresh myself. Its a brilliant feelng to forgive people. It makes you the bigger person and you can control the situation. Try it! If you ever get stuck, its better than any amount of counselling you can ever recieve. Time is running out and I have a delicious Maggi noodle meal waiting for me along with family. I will be posting excerpts from as my friends calls them " some of the best e-mails written" by me.. Hopefully I will do it soon enough. Till then, toodles! Az

Small things in life like stealing your friend's blanket and running around like superman  or staring at someone's face for the longest time ever or dog-piling  five people at a time or just simply burping  very loudly in the middle of a very serious scene of a detective movie, can become memories you will cherish for life and it is so delightful when you disciver all this in the company of your friends...

It was Kabir, Aakanksha and Binal - who's happy bday was on 21st.. (Happy birhday B) birthday celebration dinner on Saturday the 22nd. And it was one of the most fantastic night and day ever lived in the history of my life which dates back right up to the 11th of October 19hundred and eighty seven! It was so full of 'nothing much' but seemed like all those little 'nothings' mentioned up thee made up a whole 12 hours and more spent together in absolute bliss

Well, life is not really meant for some people to enjoy and the others to work hard. Just like i've been told time and again from variouspeopel in different places for differnt reasons that its very important to find a balance beteen work and fun and friends and family and education and extracurricular so I will say it to all ye dear readers that I think I am at the beginning of finding that balance having been confronted by all these various aspects finally! And its really fun to chill out when you know you've worked hard whether or not for it!

So have a good time at work and be ready to have some serious fun when you're fagged out... That's a stratergy... Ensure that the workoholic in you is well fed and entertained to head onto some more work...

Cheers to work! It rocks! It defines me in some ways and I hope you'll can stick onto something and see it come through too... I'm on my voyage already I hope to reach the other end of this after achievibng all my set goals.

Goodluck and updated in my photo album are going to be a few pictures of birthday night

Again,

Mumbai has managed to get itself in a pool! Drowning in the waters of political conflict and discontent are the citizens of a country that has a great potential to churn out smart individuals that are capable of leading and changing their future and that of other nations too. Then why once again are we afflicting torture on our fellow mates, what is this rivalry about? Caste? Money? Power? Land? Food?

Or are there larger issues that existed as priority in earlier days like humanity and courtesy and goodwill that still form a part of our circle of influence and concern?

Politics may not be my thing but humanity definitely is all of our thing! It hurts to see people filled with religious anguish in their hearts and trying to pretend to be somebody they are not.

Leaders set examples for others to follow, but I doubt the future of our country with such falsehood and deciet enveloping even those that might be left with a little integrity. Of course we can hope that may the truth triumph!

A call for us to rethink our purpose and path as What the country needs today is a change.

Don't just feel the change. Be the change.


...
Aziza.

Hello dear dear friends,

After this long interim I have finally returned. Its been challenging, to say the least, however I would not like to elabrate more on the 'why' and 'where' and 'when' of the past times... its a bright future I am looking forward to of communication, of energy, of thoughts, of randomness, of blogs. Of networking, of chilling, of words thrown all about the place, of spaces...

I have been at an Aiesec Conference at Goa for the last week and its been AWESOME! In most ways 'life-changing' in all ways giving a better newer perspective of events, of self, of work and of fun!

SO talking about being a change agent in the Development Sector could mean alot of things, but to me it means the following things and I would encourage any of you to share what you have done to contribute to this third world country that is India that we call our 'Motherland' to rise above its trials be it economic, politcal, social, or simply 'Of the people By the people For the people'...

For the next six months I willl strive to achieve a sustainable impact on the issue of Child Rights and create awareness amongst citizens in the society who are not just Indians but international interns as well, who will come to India for a short period of 2-6 months and work with NGO's here to help create that impact by aligning their mission to that of the NGO's.

I will be heading this project based on international work exchange to do this. It is a part of my jobrole in Aiesec for the next 6 months to envision and implement this, as I am Organizing Committee President (OCP) for this project.

It sounds so big doesn't it? Its challenging and least of all things to be taken for granted! Its surrounded by timelines, sustainability, hardwork, frustration, co-ordination, balance between studies and Aiesec...

So as I return with different and newer visions and goals, I am charged to take this on from here. Also one of my friends has this brilliant idea to start an online weblog for sharing ideas n having discussions and possible solutions for current Indian economics and politics. It also means to address a very serious issue besides those that will be voiced and shared, that of the involvement of Indian youth in politics and society.

If we are what the future of the country will look like then we better get our act together and improve our knowledge and competencies!

So this is a message fr all you aspiring candidiates who want to be future change agents of society! Its a call for you to participate and actively contribute your valuable opinions and thoughts to this beautiful initiative. Be prepared!

Don't just feel the change... Be the change... Keep thinking and watch this space for more... Az

PS: Goa is a place to see beautiful sunrises standing on the wet sand of Calangute, of gigantic waves lashing across your legs as you walk away from them, of drunken people waking up in boats by the beach after being hungover the previous night, of people dancing with the waves as though there's no tomorrow, of churches and other Portugese architectural monuments (that I could not capture), of Infantaria; the best place to eat if you relish cockroach garnish in your prawn fried rice and balchao! (And another serving of the same dish for free!)

Hey!!! Good afternoon to all my dear visitors/readers... Today has been a good morning, and for some reason the crow has beem crowing all morning (quite annoying actually) Non-Stop and then breaking for while and again resuming..... the number of times that I have tried to talk him into leaving my grill, my mother could think i'm a little mad...

This is what I had written in one of my earlier blog entries and I beg to review it here...

" The most important things in life are not obtained by being amongst the best and well fiurnished walls and places, its all about the people. "

Well, I'll start with a little bit of background story...here it is... Recently my friend has obtained a job and I am very pleased she did. Before she did, we were so accustomed to talking to each other everyday at just any point of time during the day. That uncertainty and waiting and all that stuff it got to me, and I liked it. But for the whole week, she's in a more professional job than I am in. (good chance to introduce my other occupations in life...)

Yah, so I work with AIESEC Association Internationale des Etudiants en Sciences Economiques et Commerciales (International Association of Students in Economics and Business Management). Ive been an affiliate member for quite some time, recently having applied for and obtaining full member status. (YAAAaay!!!!) Its the World's Largest Student Volunteer Organization. My work is very exciting and its a great experience.

For all those who want to check out what Aiesec is all about visit this website www.aiesec.net I intend to apply for Vice President Internaional Relations ( I know it sounds jazzy) and it pretty much is but there will be a whole team of VPIRs with me and we all will be working in different Sectors of the organization and still be doing similar work. so in the end we are rsponsible for the results our sector produces, not for any other. And we are all responsible to the Local Commitee President and our Sectoral Heads... Essentially what I'll be doing involves marketting, advertising, client servicing, strategising, publicity management and handling trainee transactions. OH God, I am completely swaying from the topic, so getting back on track....

My work was demanding while she was free and had little else to divert her attention to, and then my priorities to her seemed to be unfair and hurtful as they would permitt lesser time with her, but in the end they were prioroties also, and needed to be handled as well. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to gain sympathy votes, its not an election campaign about who's right or wrong, I heard the following statement in a movie yesteday morning "There is no right or wrong, there are only opinions".... I just heard a very motivating dialogue in a movie i was watching this morning and it just surprisingly came at the rightiest moment and helped me move on... Like a brainwave that hits you just when you're running out of ideas!

So this is what happenned in my story next. So I battled my way through that mad race wheere I was THE TEAM and juggled between parents and (family) anf friends and work and personal space trying to clasp the most of each as i lapped by them. But in the end I as still dissatisfied because I knew that I was meeting my immedaite quadrant one deadlines but had failed miserably with respect to personal report. My friend was not happy because she was going through a rough patch and wanted me by her side, but I could not let that grief flow into my personal life too. So I carried on that way, each time giving he hope and advcice to feel free from all the gross things around her and helped find her inner strength, and told her to look beyond today and the dream that she is pursuing and that soon its going to be big for her. (Sounds Dramatised and Boastful, I know but its quite a nice story in the end, go with it) And we pretty much made it till the day when she actually got that call and was told that (transalated into what it meant to her) it was the beginning of her new life all of a sudden and that her dream was being fulfilled much before she had ever thought it would...
So it was al jet set go for her from there. Busy as can be, one hour long conversations being limited to five minute measly updates, instant help centre being converted to miniature sounding board service and alot of feelings being thrown into the scenario, all this put together that is what had suddenly happenned. I was totally lost between trying to figure out what happenned and what I was supposed to do. Trying to be ;'understanding' as usual I put all my strength and conscious effort into making myself feelgood about this but to no effect.

Then today, as I was watching this movie, I heard this dialogue... (it may not be exact quoted but pretty much the same) 'I think that you should go up there and do it, why stop yourself because of what other people are doing? I think you are great at your job and in Life, let me tell you this buddy, its all about MOVING ON, Its about the RIDE... If you don't enjoy the ride itself, then what's the point. We all know we are going to get that somewhere we have to be, why give up and stall because of what people around you think and do?! I know you can, you should just do it.'

That just kept circling my mind like a flubber in a mixer (i know sad example but...) and it suddenly struck me that ya, by doing this to me, I was actually feeling bad and letting my own spirits down. Afterall it was finally my choice how I took on my "Ride"... and then i decided to forgive and move on, making my saddle bag lighter by transferring the feelings to the respective people...
Of course they can ride on with me, but permission restricted to people only, no emotional luggage please. :) So that one dialogue in my every morning movie made all the difference. And somwhow this always happens with me, whenever i feel bad or hurt or cheated, some unexpected source always gives me the motivation to move on and see the brighter side of things, rather than people....

 I've ven decided that I am going to set my own priorities in life, not have it determined by other people, work on my own principles, not strictly spiritual or religious (because you have to!!!) or societal norms, a blend of whats best for me from all of these... And i will have it done no other way... So that was a sweet end to my little story.

When I started writing, I didn't even know this ishow it was going to be, it just came out like this... All I knew was that I had to write what I learnt from that movie and SO I started writing. Then I decided to share this story even though it was a very personal one... Well, anyway, it shouldn't become from good aftrnoon to wasted evening writing on my space... I'l leave the floor open to comments and suggestions and any other stories or incidents that you've experienced and would like to share.... I should come back with more...



Till then, toodloooooooooo........

I know i've been away for quite some time now. But its really because i'm unable to make myself retain the thoughts long enough till i can actually get down to writing them on my blog. So alternatively, I have started writing again (pen and paper!) Its a very stress relieving excercise and i wondered as i finally put pen to paper as to why it was that I had shunned it away for so long. I realized that the thing called "life" had just become so clogged up with events big and small that it left really little space to breathe. And freedom is the oxygen of the soul and in essence our body, mind and heart. So I decided that it was time that i lived the life I wanted to live than that I was expeced to live up to! I cannot gauge myself how much I have really done what I have stated, but I'm pretty sure that I have made headway and I'm proud of that. It's quite commendable that one actually has the strength (mental, physical, emotional, practical) to think this through: I have a problem, I need to change in this particular manner, I am going to change, I am changing. Today 2 really important things struck me. First was how much importance i have been attaching to other people (besides the self anybody else is an 'other' person) and how vital it is to be self-dependant. No one is really going to tell you that this is what you should do because you are going to benifit the most from it. Not many peole have that much energy to look after themselves as well as you. That i think requires alot of effort because you have to think of the other person as much and personally and feel too as much as you do to/for yourself. Life as i said is too full of events constantly occurring even if you wouldn't want to know about them and it all makes a difference, somewhere down the line, 'every action has an equal and opposite reaction'. I realize today that I have alot more opportunities available to me than most others who have the same standing as me but are not making active use of it. Push your self, challenge your potential now and again and again and feel the thrill that you will experience when you achieve that target set at the edge. And when you will finally achieve it then go on and achieve more of it. There are always going to be places unvisited and events unplanned and emergencies and pauses but don't let that stop the exciting side of life slip by you passively! Its meant for you as much as any body else. I want to make a cinscious effort to cross my limits each time with every action be it old or new. The challenge is to find that little unexplored bit hiding away in the corner under layers of dust, blown onto it by the fast trackers who zoomed on by the roal too travelled and just see what its all about. This is not what i wanted to write at all, this whole thing, what ireally wanted to write about was something else. Eh i guess some other times. NO. I will put in a line about it now. So ya, 'friends'... How they rule your actions as youmature from adolescence to teenage, every person has a different opinin and experience and its completely personal. But that whole idea of peer pressure, I fianlly understood today... Friends aren't those who push you to be like them, instead they are thoes who understad who you are like you for what you are, and want to "own you" a good life, a progressive path,not just be there when you call on them but be there when you haven't asked. Get through to you when you cannot say you need them, still supportive and ready to show you the right way even though they ow its going to crash hard, and damages will probably cost a omb to repair. In turn there are also ettiquettes for the person who is being befriended. Never have so much arrogance and pride in what is being delivered to you that you will not be able to live without it. Be self-dependant. And GRATEFUL for whatever you recieve. It may not always be what you want but friends are not family and they are not unconditionally yours, so if you mistreat them you will probably recieve that same BS someday. Theres alot more that i had initially thought of but the links are'nt coming into my head now, i'l probably then return to writing on paper. It feels good. The scrawl of a nib on the paper or the scratch of lead on a sheet. The authentic and the real, both seem surreal as its time for more innovation. Maybe someday the click of a mouse and the keyboard will also be looked upon with shadowy, misty eyes...